I have beef with Ugandan waiters and waitresses. These young ladies and gentlemen of the service industry have mastered the art of the scowl like no other. Visitors to our capital are always treated to the unusual ‘what do you want’ which comes in after a crusty menu has been tossed your way. Next comes the innocent question, ‘do you have such and such a product’ and the response is usually along the lines of…’do you see it on the menu?’

Well if you come out of the ordeal alive and manage to order, you’ll then have two plates of stuff ordered or not. If what is served is not what you ordered, I would still suggest that you eat it up otherwise any complaints may lead to you getting your lunch an hour after. There are also high chances that something in your plate may be ice cold, don’t even try to ask the poor waitress why this is the case. How would she know, is she the chef? If not, she may give you a brief lecture on the distance between the kitchen and your table and how the air cools the food.

Don’t be surprised if someone keeps walking by your table as you eat your food, we in the service industry don’t trust Ugandans that much they have been known to sneak forks into their pockets. In case you turn to your friends for some conversation midway through your meal, don’t be surprised if the waitress takes away your plate. You should always keep your hand on the fork and plate since the hungry guy on the table next to yours is actually waiting for your plate!

After you finish your meal, you better have changed money lest you unleash the anger of the waitress. Hell, some have even been known to disappear with your change if your eyes are not sharp enough. They know that your lunch break is short all they have to do is make a simple disappearance.

When you are done with the meal and are going out, you may finally get the opportunity to see a smile from one of the waitresses as she thanks you and tells you to come again.

Our brothers and sisters in the service industry should be applauded for such efficiency. A lot of time is saved by their quick and precise answers. Why waste one’s short lunch break on politeness and long answers?